Mixtape - March 2004

The White Boy Rap That Doesn't Suck Mixtape
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to take anything away from anybody after this Black History Month; I'd just like to show how black music has, in a select few instances, influenced white folk to bust some pretty groovy, occasionally psychotic, non-embarrassing rhymes over the years - JOB

"Subterranean Homesick Blues" - Bob Dylan
The granddaddy of White Boy Rap That Doesn't Suck

"The Magnificent Seven" - The Clash The opening track to 1980's Sandinista! and arguably the world's first full-fledged W.B.R.T.D.S. is gritty funk at it's finest, but be sure to check out the live version on From Here to Eternity. The original's bass riff gets transformed into a mighty, supernatural steed, galloping through the apocalypse, narrowly avoiding the crashing thunderbolts of drums and guitar. Plus, the "You Lot! What?! Don't stop! Give it all you got!" refrain deserves to be heard chanted by a crowd of thousands. Joe Strummer's flow, while elementary and repetitive by today's standards, had more passion and urgency than the Sugarhill Gangs and Furious Fives he was pilfering, and his political cartoon lyrics about Karl Marx and Mahatma Gandhi no doubt inspired future generations of liberal non-sucking whiteys.

"Sabotage" Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill really should be represented, as the Beasties' Globetrotter chemistry and Rick Rubin's power chord production were landmarks in whitey rap. But where "No Sleep Til Brooklyn" is a slick neon fireworks show, "Sabotage" is a napalm blast that takes no prisoners

"Sleep Now in the Fire" - Rage Against the Machine So they're not 100% caucasian, and their left-wing agenda isn't without contradiction. They're white enough, and at least they dared to be politically provocative in a decade of major musical apathy. Their cover of Afrika Bambaataa's "Renegades of Funk" gets honorable mention ("Now dance, sucka! Dance, sucka!"), but this one's pure Rage, taking on 500 years of The Man's oppression in 4 minutes. All the righteous college activists in the house, scream it with me now: "I am the Nina! The Pinta! The Santa! Marrrrria!"

"Epic" - Faith No More Exploding Rubin's rap-metal formula to Biblical proportions, it's greatness will forever overshadow the fact that it helped spawn the Linkin Bizkits of the world. After all, we don't blame Nirvana for Puddle of Mudd, do we?

"Loser" - Beck The genius mash-up of "Subterranean Homesick Blues" and Paul's Boutique that introduced us to the wonderful world to Beck

"Pepper" - Butthole Surfers The Surfers have reached far more outrageous levels of insanity, but this song remains one of the best bad acid trips ever to hit Modern Rock radio.

"The Distance" - Cake John McCrea's monotone couldn't be whiter, but that's part of what makes "The Distance" so great. That and the slinky synths, the mariachi horns, the classic rock riffery, and the uppercutting disco drums

"Lucas With the Lid Off" - Lucas Out-jazzes almost anything by Tribe, out-flys most mid-90's rap altogether, and Michel Gondry's video outdoes "Virtual Insanity" by about 800% in its defiance of the laws of physics

"Jump Around" - House of Pain I'm white, I'm Irish, I love rap. I haven't listened to it in years, but I think I'm required by law to dig this song

"The Bad Touch" - Bloodhound Gang I'd never endorse The Bloodhound Gang on the whole, but a little juvenilia is OK in tiny doses; plus, it's hard to argue with it's "you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals" logic and the Depeche Mode keys

"Bazooka Tooth" - Aesop Rock Drags you down into a vicious K-hole, daring you to get down to the paralyzing super-sloth beat; as it erupts into Aphex Twin chaos, Aesop picks up the pieces, crams them into his pocket, and gets down anyway. "Bazooka Tooth, Bay-buh!"

"White America" - Eminem One of the greatest rhymes ever written about the hypocritical pole up Anglo-America's ass: "Hip-hop was never a problem in Harlem/Only in Boston/After it bothered the fathers/Of daughters starting to blossom." Too bad the dents in Marshall's verbal-assassin armor become visible at the end. Of all the words on The Eminem Show, "flag" is somehow the only one censored (when Em suggests burning it), and the "Fuck you, Tipper Gore!" line would have been cheesy even if this were 1985. Still, he deserves his place on the shortlist of the world's smartest and most talented musical icons, let alone MCs, which is a testament to the power and universality of a culture once confined to the dark-skinned South Bronx.