Attention! All aspiring musicians!! Are you living in New York City, hanging out in all the hip bars and coffeehouses, lugging around your bulky guitar case, yet tired of bragging to members of the opposite sex that you are in a band and watching them walk away when they find they have never heard of you? Does the phrase "open mic" seem like less of an opportunity and more like a waste of time? Tired of hearing about your friends' tours in the UK and West Coast? Before you decide to pack it all in and pick up double shifts at the restaurant, pick up your axe, grab a seat and read this article!

The solution is here! A modest proposal on how to skyrocket your band to the top! Follow these simple guidelines, and your band will be on MTV2, fetching stares on Avenue A and rubbing elbows with Carson Daly before you know it. It really is this easy!

#1. Record a demo, but DO NOT call it a demo!

Of course, recording studios have become New York City's modern-day velvet rope scenes for musicians like us. It is hard to find one you can afford, and even harder to find one that will make you sound decent on tape. But know that this need not be a concern of yours! Grab a 4-track tape recorder in your local music shop at a discount (because your art school pals run the place), take it home to your bedroom, and lay down a few loosely-arranged songs. Your middle eight lacking in contrast? Guitar solo using the same two notes over and over? Not a problem.

Even if you're not an accomplished audio engineer, this EP (as you better well call it if you're looking to establish "credibility") will sound perfect if the bass is non-existent, the guitars are loud, and the vocals are barely present in the mix. Once this EP is complete, buy a Graphic Design major a beer (you know one - trust me), convince him/her to do artwork for you, and send it straight over to every single hipster-laden venue in New York's Lower East Side. Places to start are Luna Lounge, Pianos, Sin-e, and the ever so elitist Mercury Lounge. Fear not - if you call these places enough, they will book you. How else can they possibly fit five bands in EVERY SINGLE NIGHT while maintaining the notorious two-week freeze rule?

#2. Get the makeup, get the passport!

Female bass players, female drummers, female virtuosos on the glockenspiel. In short, having a girl in your band will dramatically increase both your chances of success as well as the crowds at your shows. A recent study released by Sarah Lawrence College proves that the only thing sexier than a female musician bathed in blue and red stage lights is the same musician, naked, smothered in whipped cream and holding a hot fudge sundae. Your crowds will triple, guaranteed! And if you can't hustle up a female musician, feel free to bathe your frontman in overindulgent, pretentious makeup. (see local Kemado heroes, Elefant, for cosmetic tips) Once this is done, and you've played the Bowery Ballroom on your seventh gig, apply for passports. Of course, if it takes you more than seven gigs to hit the Bowery, chances are your band's going nowhere fast. Ride the hype!

#3. God Save the Queen! (and RCA as well...)

Ever heard of the NME? It's a British music publication, the lads' facsimile of Rolling Stone, and a magazine with a wonderful mission: discover the next Beatles EVERY SINGLE WEEK! This not-so-humble rag will throw your band on the cover before you've even released anything. They've done it plenty of times before! Full features, in-depth interviews and wonderful concert photos adorn the pages of this glorified tabloid, yet any "credible" music fan, on both sides of the Atlantic, swears by it. After the NME has thrown you into the British masses, you've toured the UK as a result and caught two or more STDs from the shags, you'll return to your cramped abode in Williamsburg and find an offer waiting from RCA Records.

RCA. Yes, they're mainstream. Yes, they've got huge acts. Why would they want your band, you ask? Simple: RCA has made it their do-or-die mission to gather up every NYC-based band like so many bread crumbs fallen off the derivative scene of Velvet Underground/Blondie/Talking Heads yesteryear. Just ask their shy, hands-in-pockets roster of The Strokes, Longwave, Ben Kweller and stellastarr*. Priority is always promised, and perhaps they'll even push your release date back so you're not head-to-head at the zero hour with the newest Dave Matthews Band album. Your new jam-band labelmates have got multi-platinum worldwide success, you are on antibiotics to combat your newest spout of chlamydia. Trust me, you do not want that battle. But fear not, they will get your video on MTV2, even if you swore earlier that your band would never make one...cough...

Now, of course, this should only be used as a guide. Wanna go indie? Hit up Matador, surrender the publishing rights to all your songs, and find a wooden spoon to bite down on. Wanna make the girls swoon and maintain credibility at once? Hit Kemado up for free studio time in exchange for absolutely no promotion of your album whatsoever!

Or, of course, there is the alternative. It sends shivers down spines and squeezes wallets dry of musicians in all six boroughs (we'll count Hoboken for now). You can flyer, you can beg, you can rehearse four nights a week. You can use nepotism to your favor, yet not rely on it. You can start small and stay there for years. You can remember that The Beatles were not playing Shea Stadium for their seventh gig. Hell, they tried to get gigs for years before claiming their residency at the Cavern Club and becoming a simple dancehall band "on their rather dimly lit stage."

The music business is work, and the glamour is rarely on your side of the stage. Everyone in this town plays guitar, beats on drums or sings into a microphone because they love to. They love it as much as you do. Chances are they might love it more. Like anything else in life, you have to try for that and that alone. If you can make thirty dollars and get two drink tickets for playing forty-five minutes of the music you create, maybe that should be more than adequate. It certainly is for some. Success and rock stardom are wonderful things that some people would die for. Everyone has his or her own vision of where they want to take their music, and if you want yours flying out of the Union Square Virgin Megastore at two million copies a week, carpe diem!

But you better find yourself a publicist before you find a rehearsal space!