| The
Sex Sisters- Princess Fifi and Connie Lingus
Even though 'Sex and the City' is cumming to an end, have
no fear, for the Sex Sisters are here to gab about all those
kinky, dirty, topics you pervs can't get enough of.
Now
to our topic: Masturbation
Are you in denial? Do you choose not
to indulge in the highly addictive drug that is masturbation?
Then what the hell is wrong with you? Get it together man,
it’s only right and natural. Our research has proven
that individuals who masturbate regularly are generally more
cheerful and better in bed. Everything cums with practice,
and being a novice puts you at the bottom of the sexual totem
pole.
Masturbation is the best gateway drug in the world. Chronic
use of this drug will definitely lead you to indulge in more
kissing, foreplay, lovemaking, and for some, new positions,
toys and games. Mastering Solo-Sexual activities not only
increases familiarity with your pressure points (hint, hint,
hetero guys: probing your prostate ain’t just for homos
anymore), it also boosts confidence. And in case you haven’t
read the latest issue of Stuff, confidence is what chicks
really dig. As for all you one-minute wonderboys, masturbation
is the best way for you to exercise your stamina. Chicks really
dig stamina too.
But we would hope encouraging guys to whack off is like preaching
to the one-handed choir; this tip is primarily for the women.
Seriously ladies, if you can’t find your spot, don’t
expect him to be able to. You will forever be lost in the
forest of love searching for the elusive big O.
ASTRO-SEXUAL
GUIDE TO THE PISCES FEB.18TH – MAR 19TH
Happy Birthday Connie!!
A Pisces will always keep you guessing,
from sensual slow spankings to vicious hair grabbing to golden
showers. (I’d be a lot of things if a Pisces surprised
me with a golden shower; “kept guessing” is certainly
one of many - ed.) S/he will go that extra mile to find all
those special moan spots like no other before. Most importantly,
for some of you, Pisces will treat you to an unforgettable
one-night stand without the morning after bullshit. Should
the opportunity ever show its head, you won’t regret
it.
To celebrate
this month, get it on like Kurt Cobain (2/20/67): That
is, get smacked out of your gourd, avoid bathing, hole up
in Courtney Love’s heart-shaped box, and make some of
the druggiest, smelliest sex in the history of human procreation.
Or, if you prefer
a more tasteful adventure, take notes from Pisces Sharon Stone
(3/10/58): men can play detective while ladies
cross their legs, flash their commando status, and let their
basic instincts take over. Just be careful with those ice
picks.
In
a boat or on a float- Dr.
Seuss (3/2/04): He may be
the one of the greatest children’s authors ever, but
he was a playful Pisces too. Using Green Eggs and Ham as a
blueprint, get it on wherever that finicky furball refuses
to eat. Careful with this one, too: we’re pretty sure
“with a goat” is still frowned upon in most states.
HOT
TIPS FOR TO ENFLAME YOUR LIPS
In honor of Connie’s birthday,
we’re going to share our tips for neighbor-waking, earthquaking,
leg shaking Cunnilingus (and Fellatio).
Princess Fifi: No one likes schmegma- keep your
area groomed like a Westminster show dog. Wash your areas
with regular soap; no special scents or other gimmicks are
needed. Also, keep your forest of love trim and proper. Guys,
nothing beats a pair of shorn balls, especially if you want
your mate to put said balls in they mouf. And ladies, most
men would enjoy eating out more if there weren’t so
much hair in the entrée.
Connie
Lingus: When giving a hummer, hum your favorite
tune while giving him oral pleasure; this is a sure way to
make his heart sing. And don’t forget to serenade his
balls! (May I suggest something by Fiona Apple?
Or anything with plenty of low frequencies? – ed.)
SONGS
ABOUT FUCKING:
The 5-Finger
Pleaser of the Month: Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop."
It's not really about masturbation, but it damn well should
be.
Puppy Love Pick
of the Month: Spandau Ballet's "True." The
perfect soundtrack for slow, sensual, one-on-one missionary
with your soulmate.
Kinky Dom
Cut of the Month: Nine Inch Nails' "Closer."
For the hottest, most scandalous, ass- slappin' animal sex
you ever had in the bathroom of a dirty club.
The Too-Depressed-to-Masturbate
Breakup Song of the Month: Dashboard Confessional's
"Screaming Infidelities." Picking up the pieces
of a broken heart? This will help you feel less alone, or
failing that, reinforce your belief that you're completely
alone and make you want to kill yourself.
The Make-up
Sex Song of the Month: Portishead's "All Mine."
Turn up the heat in your chilled relationship with some sizzling
reunion sex scored by this classic track. |
