Today—as always—I feel stiffened in the mind and physically a bit limp by this unappealing sensibility that has recently beckoned my soul into the possibility of suicide—of ending consciousness in an effort to forget. My children (if they were alive) would most likely leave me and decide that they would rather be alone in the world without the aid of father than be by his frozen, motionless side.

This is because I’d rather be aiding myself and my own strangled sensibilities than mongering my way into anyone else’s shelf life. I guess you could call it selfishness but that is the lifestyle that seems to be best fitting.

I haven’t left my apartment for thirteen weeks. I shower on a regular basis but the confining fear of the outdoors keeps me from making friends. Certain characters used to often chastise me, follow me, try to befriend me even sometimes—those are the scariest of all—who knows what they have up their sleeve –characters of misleading body proportions—changing shape and never finding balance while in my sight range. Fifty feet high sometimes, flying, driving, moving other times, shifting, sliding, not normal human like movements which were part of my everyday visions which took over a section of my brain—the memory section and making me the owner of a befuddled life.

I’d like to go outside but I feel that if I was to enter into that other realm of thought, I’d end up breaking down on the side of the street, maybe a few blocks from my place of residence and suddenly implode, disappear--vanish from the face of the earth and end my existence in a narrow escape from the rogues that have been invading my dreams since childhood and turning them into nightmares which I only wish would be scarring enough to be forgettable—But my brain tolerance is so out of control that things stick with me. UNFORGETTABLE moments in time which normals can turn away from with the blink of an eye. But then again, they don’t see what I do. They don’t find it hard to escape from nightly and daily visions. I wish that I had the ability to forget that I saw a fire-breathing monster like frog dragon flying over-head. Or a rock-beast with green ooze decaying away on the sidewalk shaking a tin can for loose change as I walk by. They know that I can see them. They have the power to sense when they can be seen and when they can’t—some sort of telekinetic synthesis that allows that know which of us can see, understand them. I sometimes wish that I had the ability to disappear...