4th: Massachusetts becomes the first US state to allow gay marriages, after the state Supreme Court decides it would be unconstitutional to bar same-sex unions. When approached for comment, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry replies, "Yes, a war hero. Next question?" 5th: Armed rebellion rocks the country of Haiti, killing many members of government, military personnel, and civilians. Eventually, the violence leads to the US-supported resignation of Jean-Bertrand Aristide. When asked about potential UN involvement, Secretary General Kofi Annan states, "I bet this never would have happened if they'd changed their name from Haiti to Lovei like I had asked them to."

11th: Wesley Clark drops out of the Presidential Race after John Kerry wins the primaries in Virginia and Tennessee. The astonished Clark bemoans, "It's like Madonna and Ted Danson's support meant nothing to the American people!"

18th: Howard Dean formally drops out of the race for the Presidency. His concession speech, infamously dubbed "The Scream," concludes with a seemingly outraged Dean yelling, "I will go to Vermont! And eat Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia! With Maple Syrup! And my family will visit the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory! And Buy Some Antiques!" Dean then pushed the podium over and bared his ass to the cameras.

11/29th: San Francisco bans gay marriage and Massachusetts passes a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, citing federal laws. The Bravo Network officially begins the shiva period.

14th: Russian President Vladimir Putin is overwhelmingly elected to a second term, taking nearly sixty percent of the vote. When asked to what he owes his success, Putin credits his campaign slogan, "Vote for me or you will die in Siberia." Joseph Stalin rises from his grave and salutes.

26th: The Senate votes, by a 61-38 margin, in favor of legislation making it a crime to harm a fetus while committing a crime against a pregnant woman. In order to quell possible pro-choice protest, the Senate makes it very clear that it is still acceptable to harm a woman while killing a fetus.

3rd: William Hung finally drops off the face of the earth. After receiving thousands of dollars for appearances covering sub-Karaoke level crappy Ricky Martin songs, Hung finally realizes he'd no longer be banging, and it is time to start living la vida broke-a. 7th: In order to “get away from the emotionally draining issues of the 9/11 commission, Iraq, and the upcoming election,” President Bush takes a two-week vacation to Nashville, Tennessee where he begins work on his forthcoming country music album. Titled, Tales from the Burning Bush, it will feature soon to be classics like “Iraq Around the Clock,” “We Will Iraq You,” and, of course, “Bin Laden is a Homosama.”

8th: In her testimony in front of the September 11th commission, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice claims that “there was no silver bullet” that could have prevented 9/11 terrorism. She did, however, confess that this is irrelevant, seeing as terrorism isn't a werewolf, and admits that, “there was a whole buttload of intelligence that could have prevented the attacks, though.”

15th: Thabo Mbeki, President of the AIDS ravaged South Africa, and the only world leader to claim there is no proven link between HIV and AIDS (and to maintain that AIDS may not even exist) is re-elected, taking 70% of the vote. This is not a joke, it's a tragedy.

23rd: President Bush ends the Reagan-era trade ban with Libya, citing an end to its nuclear weapon plan. In a highly publicized speech, Bush claims he has been in favor of this move for years, and he would have lifted the ban in 2002, but he had to learn how to pronounce both Libya and nuclear first.

29th: As a remembrance of the sixty year anniversary of World War II, the US opens the World War II memorial in Washington, D.C. to honor the sixteen million Americans who served in the war. Elsewhere in the world in other celebrations of the anniversary, Germany annexes Poland, and French President Jacque Chirac formally surrenders to two German tourists who were taking a holiday in the Ardenne.

30th: The Iraq prison abuse scandal breaks, when 60 Minutes II on CBS airs graphic photos of smiling US troops torturing prisoners in Abu Gharib prison. Unfortunately, 60 Minutes II aired opposite FOX's The Simple Life II: More Spoiled Bitches! and no one noticed the pictures until they were re-aired several days later.

1st: The EU expands, finally adding the coveted territories Asia and Spice World. Not to be outdone, NATO unexpectedly starts admitting wealthy businessmen and multinational corporations and announces plans to rename NATO “Vagisil Presents NATO,” after the company bids a record $4 billion dollars for sponsorship rights.

6th: The FDA rejects the potential sale of the morning after pill. Grafty "James" Sullivan, the head of the FDA, comments, "Although it went against the advice of our expert panel, we felt that the sale of morning after pills would dramatically reduce the number of poor, second generation American children, leading to a 50% decrease in our military recruitment pool. Hey, I’m not gonna send white kids to go fight them A-rabs”

11th: President Bush imposes economic sanctions on Syria, noting, among a laundry list of complaints, that Syrian leaders kept interrupting the American ambassador's speech at the UN by raising their hands and loudly chanting "We Holla for Allah!"

16th: The Bush Administration alters its AIDS policy, allowing African and Caribbean countries to buy cheaper AIDS medication, granted, that Bush can pronounce the names of both the countries and leaders that apply for the discount. An emergency plea for aid is made to the EU by Mamadou Tandja, president of Niger, who realizes his AIDS torn country will meet neither of the two requirements based upon the last time Bush tried to pronounce “Niger.”

17th: Gay marriages begin in Massachusetts. When he is asked at a campaign trail pit stop what he thought about this issue, Kerry laughs harmlessly, kisses an American flag, and waves a baby.

23rd: The roof collapses at Charles de Gaulle Airport near Paris, killing five. France immediately surrenders to Gravity. Later in the day, after it is reached for comment, Gravity states, "Let the Frenchmen have France, Gravity is only attracted to things with substance." 26th: Heavy rains cause almost 2000 flooding deaths in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. The entire state of Florida kicks its feet up, exhausted after a long shuffleboard game, content with its safe dormancy.

27th: Courts uphold laws allowing doctors to assist in terminal patient suicide. Doctor Jack Kevorkian, in jail for such, snaps, and in a fit of rage, starts euthanizing inmates left and right yelling “life is the only terminal disease.” He is subdued with tranquilizers and later prepared for release.

1st: A study sponsored by the National Institute for Mental Health finds that drugs like Prozac are more effective than psychotherapy alone. The Panel adds, "Hey, they make our jobs a hell of a lot easier, right? Plus, ka-ching!"

3rd: CIA Director George Tenet unexpectedly resigns after seven years, sighting 9/11 oversights, Iraq intelligence failures, and the public embarrassment he suffered after it was revealed he got drunk one night before an interview and exposed himself to Connie Chung.

6th: World leaders, including the heads of the US, Germany, Russia, England, and Australia, commemorate the anniversary of D-Day by landing at Omaha Beach in Normandy, France in an old fashioned US Army transport. French President Jacque Chirac, who "somehow never got his invitation," blows Le Corne Des Napoleon in an act of great bravery, summoning the French Army to fight for its very freedom! No, just kidding, he surrendered.

16th: The 9/11 Panel contradicts White House reports, claiming that there is no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda, or any evidence of Saudi funding of the terrorist group, calling the White House's response "chaotic." President Bush holds an immediate press conference to respond to these issues in a forward and informative manner, but ends up just saying, “They called us chaotic? It is the panel who are the chaots.”

21st: Michael Melvil, the first person to reach space in a privately developed aircraft, also becomes the first person to reach space in a privately developed aircraft to die in re-entry.

22nd: The erotic legal-thriller "My Life" by first time author William J. Clinton breaks records, selling 500,000 copies on its first day of release.

28th: US "hands over Iraq to Iraqis" when Iyad Allawi is sworn in as Prime Minister. Iraqi citizens are outraged and demand a recount. US Leaders just smile and hug because really, kids grow up so fast.

1st: Recently deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein appears in court and is arraigned on charges of crimes against humanity. Hussein, who chose to defend himself, claims he had years of US support militarily and economically during Iraq's war with Iran, and that former President Bush gave him latent consent to invade Kuwait. He later questions what he called "typical US hypocrisy," pointing to US-Latin American policy in the 80s, and the CIAs support of numerous cout-de-tats in democratically elected socialist states. Well, thats what a Michael Moore "documentary" said about it. Actually, the only Arabic translator was in the bathroom, and Saddam's testimony was lost to time.

6th: John Kerry chooses his old nemesis John Edwards as his running mate. In a surprising bout of emotion, Kerry lauds Edwards for "his tremendous support in both focus groups and in 'swing states,'” calling his decision, “pure mathematical sense.”

11th: The 15th Global AIDS Conference opens in Bangkok. Two weeks later, the 4th International Hemorrhoid Conference opened in Butte, Montana. Look for both conferences to meet next year just down the highway from Hershey, in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

12th: President Bush removes the ban on logging in national forests, stating, "It is time for the forests to learn to protect themselves. My daddy always told me 'Give a man some fish and he won't learn nothing. . . teach a man to fish and he'll eat some."

14th: The Senate votes, by a 50-48 margin, against a proposed Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriages. Senate majority leader Bill Frist, commenting on the controversial vote, says, "we were all poised to vote in favor of the amendment, but me, Chuck [Hagel] (R-NE), Johnny [Ensign] (R-NV), and Don [Nickles] (R-OK) were working late last night and caught a very special Will and Grace, where Jack revealed that people with flamboyant tastes are still people, and turned our votes right around. Plus, the 10th Amendment and all..." 15th: The US Government officially begins to recognize obesity as an illness, thus allowing “the disease” to be covered by insurance. In a related story, Wal-Mart immediately files for bankruptcy.

1st: The US Government raises the terror alert for NYC, Washington, D.C., and Newark, citing disturbing intelligence that "the $445 billion budget shortfall announced two days earlier had been highly unpopular.”

3rd: Missouri voters approve an amendment banning gay marriage, the first state to do so. When approached for comment, Missouri's two remaining gays seem to have already moved out.

12th: New Jersey Democratic Governor James McGreevy announces both his gay love affair and his plans to resign. When asked why he had announced it on a Thursday afternoon instead of the typical Friday morning resignation, McGreevy answered, "Well, I was going to announce it last Friday, but I had to sell my home in Branson, Missouri and do some shoe shopping." In an oddly related story, the state of California annuls 4000 gay marriages.

16th: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez barely survives a recall. Jimmy Carter, in Venezuela to make sure the elections are fair, comments "Who would have thought Castro could buy more votes than OPEC! The time has come for diplomacy with Cuba."

24th: Vice President Dick Cheney officially breaks from the Bush Administration, saying he stands in favor of gay civil unions. The next week, at the end of a stunning reality event on the FOX network, Cheney accepts the President's marriage proposal and they are now looking for a nice apartment in Chelsea.

25th: The Bush Administration reverses all previous claims, admitting that climate change is the result of global warming. Its claims are one thing and its policies are another, however, and those remain cemented and unchanging.

4th: Florida is hit by Hurricane Frances which does $40 billion of additional damage to the state. Nervous Floridians start panicking, but rest assured because TV evangelist Jerry Falwell promises to pray for them (except blacks, Jews, and those damn teenagers). Floridians almost immediately give up working and worrying, and get back to waiting for someone else to do everything for them.

6th: Former President Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton undergoes quadruple bypass surgery. Surprised doctors are still trying to figure out how Clinton managed to get four bacon double cheeseburgers lodged in his arteries in the first place.

8th: In a move that costs him the evening newsman's two main “R's”- respectability and ratings-Dan Rather claims that CBS News has uncovered memos alleging that President Bush received special treatment during his time served in the National Guard. The memos turn out to be obvious forgeries. When asked how both CBS and he could be so easily duped, Rather answers, “As a serious reporter, it is my responsibility to get these kind of stories right, closely verifying any and all claims, but I had fifty bucks riding on Kerry, and I'll be damned if [Bill] O'Reilly'll beat me in this year's pool.”

13th: Vladimir Putin, Russian President, is criticized by the international community for his new policies, which international leaders claim will result in a consolidation of power and rollback of democracy. An astonished Putin, in a conference call to world leaders, asks where they had been for four years, and tells them to save their protests for when Putin bans the independent media in 2005.

14th: A group advising the FDA urges drug companies to warn parents and doctors that prescribing antidepressants to teenagers and children may increase their risk of committing suicide. The group added, “...but then again, it may not. Also, don't forget about the contributions of heavy metal and rap music, stress, school, the real world, and. . . we're forgetting something. . . oh yes, the depression they're on the antidepressants to cure.” In related news, the National Institute for Mental Health immediately retracts its previous study claiming, “Originally, our calculations were based on the formula “more prescriptions equals more money,” but this panel made us realize that more suicides equals less patients which equals less money.” Hippocrates raises from the dead to throw himself on a pyre.

16th: A report is published claiming that inspectors have found no evidence af a reconstituted Iraqi WMD program. The report did report however, that Saddam Hussein had intended to start these programs up. President Bush responds, “I find the issue to be highly irreverent [sic.] We gave up on that justification months ago, like we gave up on the al-Qaeda links. Get with the times- he was a hindrance to democracy, to free rule by Iraqis. Only we can force that on them.”

26th: Hurricane Jeanne hits Florida, setting a record by becoming the 117th Tropical System to hit Florida in a 40 day span.

30th: President Bush and Senator Kerry meet in the first Presidential debate. The debate, intended to confront both candidates with serious questions about their specific policies on important global and domestic issues, devolves not surprisingly, into a discussion about one key issue – Nothing.

1st: Mount Saint Helens erupts for the first time in more than twenty years. Though there are no deaths, damage, or injuries, the American public is still subjected to four straight days of 24-hour live video of the volcano on every news channel, while they wait for a real news story to break. That comes four days later when. . .

5th: Chiron Corporation, makers of half the country's flu vaccines, announces that their portion has been contaminated and must be destroyed. Twenty-four-hour news channels instantly deduce that this means there will be a shortage, thus instantly becoming the Story of the Year. Entire days of coverage are dedicated to the issue, despite the fact that no additional news breaks about this story. Viewers are aroused into a frenzied panic when experts, who spend hours going over worst-case scenarios, predict that the yearly death toll from the flu may nearly quadruple, rising from 2 to 7.5.

8th: President Bush and Senator Kerry meet for their second debate. The debate, scheduled to be conducted in a town hall fashion, ends after just fifteen minutes when John Kerry, responding to Bush's mispronunciation of his own name, runs off stage after accidentally smiling.

9th: Afghanistan holds its first elections. Amidst high voter turnout, President Hamid Karzai beats out 17 other candidates. Even though preliminary results will not be announced for fifteen days, Karzai's rivals immediately claim corruption and fraud, forcing the UN to come in and assure the election was fair. US Leadership smacks their collective forehead in unison. “Protesting before you know you lost. That's Brilliant! How did we not think of that? Our kids really teach us something new every day, you know.”

14th: Bush and Kerry meet in the final scheduled debate before the election. The debate, which is supposed to aid in the tough decision making process of undecided voters, takes a strange turn when Bush and Kerry agree that, regardless of which one of them wins, it will be a victory for the rich. The two men then spend the remainder of the debate reminiscing about their spare vacation homes, comparing bank accounts, and remembering the “good ole' Yale Days.”

21st: The Boston Red Sox pull off the most stunning comeback in sports history, beating the New York Yankees to advance to the World Series. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner blames the soul crushing loss on “overspending” and “underachieving,” promising to “dramatically cut the payroll” and stick to “developing our own minor league talent instead of hiring mercinary free agents.” No, just kidding that's less likely to happen than France making it through a war.

29th: Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat, who had been suffering from intense stomach pains, travels to a Paris Hospital to be examined. Upon his arrival, the French, led by a delegation of French doctors, surrender to Arafat, who quickly renames France “New Palestine” and calls for the relocation of Palestinians. Middle East violence ceases completely, leading to a new Pax Arabica.

3rd: President Bush maintains the title of President, and, in a bigger story, it only takes one day after the election to figure it out! Way to go team! In his concession speech, a visibly choked up Senator Kerry states that it is only the recent plastic surgery and Botox injections that are preventing him from frowning. Senator Edwards promises to “continue fighting just as long as my Q-rating is higher than my IQ.” Shortly after, a noticeably tired Bush announces, “Ever since I was a kid, it was always my dream to be twicely [sic.] elected President of the Confederacy.” He then promises to “learn them blue yanks up something proper.” In other election news, star of the hit movie Junior, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is elected Governor of the state of California. He ultimately wins over the state by promising to let all unemployed actors and actresses star with him in his next movie, a move that gets him 98% of the deluded Los Angeles vote.

4th: Yassir Arafat, First President of New Palestine, lapses into a coma after the UN announces it will immediately turn New Palestine back over to the French. He dies one week later. His supposed last words are “Not again.”

9th: Attorney General John Ashcroft, who once lost an election to a dead man even though he was the incumbent, announces along with the Commerce Secretary Don Evans that he will resign. These two men become the first of a cavalcade of notable Bush cabinet members to resign including Secretary of State Colin Powell, Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham, and the first Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, when asked if she intended to resign as well, responds, “Absolutely not. I'm being promoted to Secretary of State and, though its degrading to be a rich white man's secretary again, I promised the President I'd stick with him until he could spell my name.”

21st: The Presidential election in the Ukraine erupts into turmoil after Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich beats opposition leader Viktor Yuschenko by a small margin. International Observers note serious flaws in the election, namely the use of initials instead of full names on the ballot.

7th: A new intelligence bill passes through the House, en route to approval by the Senate, calling for a dramatic overhaul of the intelligence heirarchy. The bill, advanced by President Bush, would reorganize American intelligence agencies, consolidating all intelligence into one man, the omniscient Santa Claus. “I am glad we could get this signed and put into effect in time for the Christmas season,” Bush explains to a confused public. “We figure if Santa knows when we're sleeping and awake, and who has been bad or good, he can help us catch all evildoers. Plus his intelligence can never be questioned.” Bush later adds, “In reality Mr. Claus was our second choice, but Jesus was already busy running the Starbucks Corporation.”

•• Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld comes under fire by US troops stationed in Iraq for failing to provide sufficient armor for army trucks. Rumsfeld responds, “First of all, the US Budget for defense is only $401.3 billion and our binding contracts demand that we pay at least $12 billion per truck. Second of all, we must first worry about getting armor to our troops, then we can worry about their trucks. Third, if you troops are so unhappy, I will be more than happy to review any requests you have to be sent home. In fact, I will personally sign your rejections myself, since I'm not busy signing any letters of condolence.”

15th: The US Missile Defense system faces a main setback when a major test fails after an interceptor missile spontaneously shuts down. George Lucas, in a press conference from his Skywalker Ranch, laughs, proclaiming, “At last! Star Wars is mine again! That's what you get for copyright infringement America!”

17th: The European Union begins a 10 year process to allow Turkey's inclusion in the group. When asked why it would take ten years to include Turkey, when so many of its members aren't even ten years old, Reginald Yokuv, the EU Spokesman, answers curtly, “because those countries didn't have to undergo the eight year process of public whiteification and christization.”

26th: A massive earthquake registering a 9.0 on the Richter Scale shakes Sumatra, an island in Indonesia, causing the island to move an astounding 100 feet. Additionally, in what might be the greatest human tragedy ever, nearly 250,000 people are reported dead from tsunamis that stretched from Indonesia to Africa. Thousands more are reported missing. The region gets millions of dollars in aid from the US, as well as other countries, celebrities, and concerned citizens trying to help. The CEOs of companies that manufacture magnetic car support ribbons announce a new Tsunami Relief ribbon, whose proceeds will go directly oversees to their offshore bank accounts.