Note: The following piece is a satirical examination of the news of 2005.
While the stories, events, and moments actually happened, the
quotes, statistics, and conclusions were not even remotely
researched to the best of my ability…
Mostly because I made them up. –P.W.

2005 - It’s not a year that lends itself to easy taglines, and quick jokes. But I had to try anyway. 2005 was a year filled with sadness, riddled with disasters the world over, pointless deaths, and hard lessons learned. It was a year of change and transition, where international leaders moved on, a growing batch of radical anti-American sentiments crested in the world, and, even in American elections, the public opinion shifted away from the administration. Even respected celebrities and athletes like Tom Cruise and Rafael Palmeiro turned themselves into the butt of every joke.

The one consistent theme in 2005 has to be irony – both in the classical sense and the Alanis Morissette sense. There was a nagging, stinging sense that everything that happened was a little off, and the lessons never got learned by the right people. A constant stream of big mistakes trickling down into all of our laps. Don’t get me wrong, 2005 had its bright spots, it’s uplifting stories, it’s wonderful moments of levity, but we will all remember this past year for its major stories- Katrina, The New Pope, Terry Schiavo, the changing of the Supreme Court’s old Guard, and, of course, the continuing Iraq fiasco. We all felt that these stories deserved more attention than a mere bullet point and a joke, so they are the subject of five supplementary articles, to be published weekly here in Cityzen starting next weekend.

As I said last year, let us all learn the lessons from 2005, or we may all be doomed to repeat them. Now, without further ado, I give you all the year that was.

January:

3rd: President George W. Bush calls on former Presidents George H.W. Bush and William B.J. Clinton to take the forefront of humanitarian fundraising for the victims of the recent Asian Tsunami. President Bush calls it “my daddy’s biggest bailout since my third DWI.” Months later, when questioned why an independent organization found the money was spent on hookers and booze, President Clinton runs away, giggling.

9th: Mahmoud Abbas, chairman of the Palestinian Liberation Organization, wins the election for President of the Palestinian Authority, taking 62.3% of the vote. Abbas becomes the successor of Yassir Arafat, who had died in the 2004 version of this article. Abbas wins on a haunting echo of Herbert Hoover’s 1928 slogan, promising “your car in my garage, and a bun in every virgin’s oven.”

12th: The White House announces that the search for WMDs in Iraq, the administration’s main justification for the war, has ended with no results. White House spokesman Jim Applecart explains, “Even though North Korea and Iran have both restarted legitimate nuclear weapons programs that have been confirmed by both the IAEA and the countries respective leadership, and even though twenty other countries are currently working with documented terrorist organizations, Iraq still remains the best choice for war for one reason – we say so. So deal with it. Now excuse us, we have three different constitutions to subvert.”

Rembember When Colin Powell Was Our Sec. of State?

19th: Cancer becomes the new #1 killer for people aged 85 and under, narrowly surpassing Clay Aiken related suicides.

20th: President Bush is sworn in for his second term. In his second inaugural address, Bush, referring to Iraq, states, “All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The US will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for liberty, we will stand with you.” He then adds, “We will then stand in place of you. Then, we will do what we feel is best for you without asking your opinion because the only liberty is American liberty. The only freedom is the freedom we give you. And you’re welcome.”

21st: Michael Powell steps down as head of the FCC. Seeing his window wide open, Howard Stern, while in the middle of paying a slightly retarded and toothless homeless guy to lick rancid cream cheese off of a 400 pound quadriplegic bisexual stripper’s stomach, drops the F-bomb. National stability crumbles and anarchy instantly grips the country. 26th: The Senate confirms Condoleezza Rice’s appointment to the position of Secretary of State by the overwhelming vote of 85-13. She is the first black woman to hold the position. Other notable firsts of Bush II include: - the first Eskimo ever appointed to cabinet, as Nanook Tuuluuwaq is named Secretary of Transportation. His main qualification is his last place finish in three consecutive Iditarod.

- The first Attorney General appointed with no legal background or training

- The first two-term president in American history to be slightly mentally challenged.

February:

1st: King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah of Nepal fires his whole government and declares a state of emergency in the small Himalayan kingdom. Most of Nepal’s politicians are placed under house arrest, the phone and internet lines are completely cut, and all airports are closed. When asked if he’d do anything about it, Bush shoots back, “Listen, first, Nepal’s chief export is handmade rugs, so we have nothing to gain. Second of all, get the Lebanese to help, they love Nepals.”

2nd: In what could only be one of the watermarks in this Year of Irony, President Bush delivers his State of the Union address, at a time when the state’s union is at its weakest in years. He deals with Social Security, which is no longer social or secure. He talks about the victory in Iraq in which we’re still dealing with daily losses, and, as a piece de resistance, the elimination of terrorism and violence and the establishment of peace through war and bloodshed. Not all satire is funny, some just makes you sad. 3rd: An independent investigation into the UN’s oil-for-food program finds that the program’s head, Benon Sevan, breached the UN’s charter by helping his friends secure Iraqi oil contracts. He is suspended the next day. Elsewhere, Halliburton laughs and hi-fives Dick Cheney. 10th: Saudi Arabia announces its first ever municipal elections. Unfortunately, voting will only be held in Riyadh for five minutes, women aren’t allowed to vote, only 9% of men are eligible, and the results are to be thrown out in favor of a religious appointed theocracy. “We got the idea from the American 2000 election,” a Saudi official said. “That was good stuff.”

President Bush Smiles For His Senior Class Picture

16th: Due to a longstanding failure between its players and its owners to reach an agreement on broad changes to the league, NHL commissioner cancels the season. The North American Dental Association (NADA) reports a potential two billion dollar loss. Elsewhere, angry Canadians riot. Quebec surrenders.

An Isreali Youth Resists The Gaza Pullout While IDF Forces Attempt To Enforce The Resolution.

20th: The Israeli Cabinet approves, by a 17-5 vote, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s plan to pull out from the Gaza Strip. Sharon comments, “After Ethiopia’s failed attempt at using the rhythm method led to its bastard Eritrea, as well as its loss of up to 50% of its assets, we finally realized its better to pull out now then to learn a tough lesson later.” 28th: Lebanon’s Prime Minister Omar Karami steps down and dissolves the entire Lebanese government following weeks of speculation of its connection to the previous prime minister’s assassination. Bush, always trying to help out in the embattled Middle East, immediately offers his favorite Lebanese, Ellen Degeneres, for the position.

March:

5th: US Soldiers, on faulty intelligence, shoot at a car containing a recently released Italian journalist, injuring her and killing an Italian intelligence agent. Italian President Giovanni di Pasta Fagioli, speaking to the international media, calls the situation “a spicy meat-a-ball,” and promises “a disembodied horse head in someone’s bed tonight.”

14th: China passes a harsh anti-secession law stating the country can use force if Taiwan moves toward achieving independence. According to the law, the following actions constitute one of the said “moves” – continued government sponsored rebellion movements; military based guerilla attacks; the creation of a secessionist government; and, just to be safe, continuing to exist.

15th: Bernard Ebbers, CEO of WorldCom, is convicted of securities fraud, conspiracy, and seven counts of filing false reports, which cost investors eleven billion dollars and bankrupted the company. Ebbers is sentenced to the harshest penalty possible under law – one month of house arrest in his gorgeous mansion. Elsewhere, Ebbers’ cousin, Bernie, is found with a joint and locked up for fourteen years.

17th: Our tax dollars pay for Congress asking baseball players if they ever took steroids to play their game better. Seriously. In other news, I will never pay taxes again. I mean, has everyone forgotten about the real problems out there? Oh, forget it. I should just make a Rafael Palmeiro joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid Rafael Palmeiro’s roid rage. There. Much Better.

20th: The Afghan Electoral Commission postpones parliamentary elections for a third time. They were originally supposed to be held in June of 2004, before getting delayed until May 2005, and finally landing on September 18th. When asked why this was taking so painfully long, President Bush answered, “Even though we’ve been working tirelessly for years, constantly trying new things to speed up the process, the Afghanistani people are still all brown and Muslimy.”

April:

8th: Prince Charles gets married to his once-mistress and long-time love, Secretariat.

19th: The US government comes out with a new food pyramid, calling it MyPyramid- “a totally awesome, way extreme method for proper food grouping.” This new system has various different versions that take into account age, sex, amount of exercise, allergies, hair color, race, IQ, and party affiliation. Later in the week, Michael Moore, upset at what he calls “another crass mistake by the Bush Administration,” and “the outright murder of yet another icon,” announces plans to come out with a documentary, tentatively titled “The $25,000 Pyramid Scheme(of Lies and Deceit),” and he publishes his own alternate picture of the pyramid, pictured on the left:

20th: US Government researchers find that overweight people face a lower risk for death than thin and average-weighted people. When asked how their research could contradict decades of research, study chief The Amazing Magnifico, answers, “we found that previous studies have, for years, ignored such common causes of death as starvation, falling through grates, and being blown off bridges by a strong gust of wind.”

29th: The head of the Taiwanese Nationalist Party, Taiwan’s predominant opposition group, travels to China to meet Chinese President Hu Jintao regarding the issue of independence, marking the first meeting between the two groups since 1949. Later in the day, Jintao, citing recently passed legislation, invades Taiwan, killing and imprisoning thousands. 30th: An international tribunal clears the American troops responsible for the accidental death of an Italian intelligence agent, Nicola Calipari. Outraged, Italian President di Pasta Fagioli calls this “the worst thing to happen to Italy since The Super Mario Bros. Movie”

May:

2nd: The smoking and pointing female soldier pictured in various Abu Gharib abuse pictures, Pfc. Lynndie England, pleads guilty to seven different counts. Several days later, the judge calls a mistrial based on the fact that England wasn’t told her abuse was a crime. When asked to comment, President and Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush explained, “Here in Texas, we do not send the mentally handicapped to prison. We only execute them.”

3rd: Iran announces plans to resume its pursuit of nuclear weapons. Several weeks later, British, French, and German officials persuade Iran to cease its plans. In a press conference announcing the deal, head German official Helmut Schoffenfreuder explains, “we wanted to show the Bush Administration that diplomacy was not a sign of weakness. Diplomacy is not dead. In return for Iran freezing its nuclear proliferation, we only agreed to give them Uranium-235, control rods, a reactor vessel, and a dozen empty missile shells. Diplomacy, we say, is once again alive!”

5th: Tony Blair becomes the first Labour Prime Minister in British history to win a third consecutive term, although his party receives only 36% of the vote, the lowest total ever by a winning party. When asked how he managed to survive all the scandals and mistrust to barely eke out the win, Tony Blair thanks the Tory party for their inexplicably poor choice of the weakest, dullest, dumbest candidate they could find – John Kerry. 11th: North Korea claims it has extracted enough spent fuel rods to manufacture up to 3 nuclear weapons. The announcement is made from one of Kim-Jong Il’s ornate palaces and features Kyung Hu, the only other North Korean who hasn’t succumbed to death via starvation or torture.

22nd: After a string of stinging defeats, Germany’s Prime Minister Gerhard Schroeder calls for early fall elections, one year before schedule. I don’t mean to steal a page from the Norm MacDonald playbook, but. . . the early favorite?? Frank Stallone.

25th: Amnesty International, the global human rights watchdog organization, publishes its annual report. The statement paints a gruesome picture of the US treatment of human rights, calling Guantanamo Bay “a gulag – with the only possible exceptions that no one freezes to death, there’s no slave labor, millions haven’t been violently dragged out of their comfortable homes for no reason, the prisoner’s families weren’t all tortured and killed, its population isn’t littered with modern artists and thinkers that just threaten classical ideals, it isn’t during peacetime, its inhabitants aren’t from the same country, and over twenty million people haven’t been brutally tortured there and left to die. But other than those minor discrepancies Bush is totally Stalin.” In other news, Amnesty International loses all credibility and disbands.

31st: After decades of infamous anonymity, Deep Throat finally reveals himself and is promptly thrown into prison for indecent exposure.

June: 7th: After Tony Blair’s urging for $25 billion in African Aid, President Bush commits a whopping $674 million in assistance. Three weeks later, Bush follows up by pledging an additional $1.2 billion, claiming “this total of $1.8 billion is just enough for this promising country, for this fledgling democracy we call Africa, to buy one plane from us to help fight the war on terrorism.” 13th: Ignoring video evidence, witness testimony, DNA test results, and the defendant’s admission of guilt, Jurors clear Michael Jackson of all ten criminal charges, including molestation and providing alcohol to a minor. When asked how they could acquit the man in the face of so much evidence, head juror Ernest Chaplefoot states, “We just couldn’t convict anyone that owns a llama. Plus, if touching a drunk child’s penis is a crime, then lock us all up.”

17th: At the behest of President Bush, the US House of Representatives approves a bill by the vote 221-184, calling for a 50% reduction in the United States’ UN dues starting in 2007 unless the UN enacts broad changes. Included among said changes includes- the official adoption of Christianity, the addition of intelligent design in the UN charter, the elimination of everyone else’s veto power (except Britain), and, most importantly, the 60 years in back rent and parking tickets.

22nd: The House of Representatives approves by a vote of 286-130 a resolution in favor of a Constitutional Amendment outlawing the desecration of the American flag. Rep. Jargon Weatherbuster (D-AL), who announces the decision, adds, “If you think this is big news, just wait to see what other surprises we have in store for Extreme Makeover- Constitution Edition, airing Thursdays on ABC!”

28th: Both Spain and Canada legalize gay marriages within two days of one another. Bush, clutching his chest, assures the public that this is, indeed, “the big one,” before falling over into a bathtub full of moonshine.

July:

2nd: Bob Geldof’s Live-8 concert runs live in nine countries; with the aim of convincing the G8 leaders meeting in London in a week, to greatly increase aid to Africa. The concert and the message are both co-opted and ruined by MTV’s abysmal coverage. Later, the G8 leaders pledge to relieve debt, to open up trade, and to give $50 billion dollars in aid, which averages out to just over $600 million for each warlord and corrupt president. Palace contractors rejoice. 6th: The IOC picks London over its main opponents Paris and New York City to host the 2012 Olympics. IOC chairman Mobutu Salazar explains, “We were wholly impressed by their dry wit, the bland and watery cuisine, the rain, and the toothless cockney waitresses. Additionally, the British ingenuity in proposing three UK-specific events – lumberjacking, the dead parrot toss, and, of course, upper class twit of the year – further cemented the deal.” Celebrations continue all night, until…

7th: Four coordinated terrorist attacks rock the London Underground and the London Bus system, killing 52 and injuring over 700. Charles Clarke, the British Home Secretary, says the terrorists were all British Muslims and were acting in response to London’s hosting of the G8 conference. Two weeks later, police catch another attempted coordinated attack when the detonators go off, but the bombs fail to explode in three different locations. The whole world freaks out, no one is better off, and there is nothing funny to say. Any jokes made about it (like saying this was the biggest bomb to hit London since Dexy’s Midnight Runner’s follow-up CD) would be in poor taste, and so I will not make them...

9th: North Korea agrees to resume disarmament talks with the US, South Korea, China, Japan, and Russia. “We are very pleased to make this important step towards peace,” stated NK President Kim Jong-Il. “We hope to extend this olive branch so we can all live together in peace. . . you stupid gullible fools, little do you know I’m using this time to build my fourth nuclear weapon! I can’t believe you fell for this again! Hahahahaha! What? This microphone is still on? Oh Sh—“

10th: Newsweek reports that, in a 2003 interview, Head Bush Adviser Karl Rove revealed the identity of a covert CIA operative, Valerie Plame. In his first statement on the issue, President Bush comments, “If someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration. Unless, of course, we’re talking about DWIs, heavy drug use, perjury, insider trading, or stuff like that.” 20th: A pentagon report concludes that Iraq’s police force is, at best, only “partially capable” of fighting the country’s insurgency. Ironically, an Iraqi assessment of US forces concludes the same thing. 29th: Astronomers, using new telescope technology, discover a tenth planet, almost twice the size of Pluto, orbiting nine billion miles away from our sun. In what I wish was a joke, the tentative name of the planet is Xena.

Karl Rove: Quite Possibly The Scariest Man On Earth

August:

1st: Fahd bi Abdel Aziz, the King of Saudi Arabia, dies at the age of 82. Luckily and amazingly enough, out of the billion Muslims in the world, Allah chose Aziz’s half-brother to pick up where Aziz left off. Boy, it really is a small world.

- Getting around the Congressional Democrats refusal to vote on the nomination, President Bush installs John Bolton as US ambassador to the UN during a Congressional recess. Embittered Democrats claim that Bush just circumvented the process, and get a massive lesson in irony.

4th: In the vein of diplomacy, Britain, France, and Germany propose an agreement allowing Iran to acquire nuclear reactors and fuel, so long as it promises not to make any nuclear weapons. Iran rejects the proposal, and breaks UN seals on its nuclear production sites, effectively starting uranium conversion. The UN, taking an immediate and bold stand, issues a resolution asking Iran to “please stop and we’ll be your best friend.” And now, as a special treat, the World Theatre Players would like to do their rendition of this debacle, a short called Bully and the Geeks, pt. 1:

          Band of Geeks: Please stop beating us up.

          Bully: hahaha! Fuck you, bitches!

          Band of Geeks: Oh please! All of us came together and agreed that you should stop, so you                                        have to stop.

          Bully: (laughing) *beats the geeks faces off and stomps on them*

          THE END

15th: Israeli police officers and soldiers begin the massive task of evacuating the nearly 9,000 Jewish settlers in order to turn the Gaza Strip back over to the Palestinian Authority. An outraged Kofi Annan says, “We at the UN, the organization responsible for the birth of this Israeli state sixty years ago, we’re all absolutely outraged at this blatant regifting! Have you not learned from one of your greats, Seinfeld? If you want to win favor, do it with your own stuff, don’t just re-package something we gave to you years ago. It may have been sixty years, but we have a long memory. And don’t think Egypt has forgotten either.”

September:

6th: An international panel investigating Iraq’s oil-for-food program officially criticizes UN Secretary General Kofi Annan for not stemming rampant corruption and for not realizing his son’s employment and illegal activities posed a conflict of interest. President Bush, in a speech justifying the recent resolution, states, “This blatant corruption and nepotism can not and will not be accepted as the norm from the organization that claims to be a beacon and example for the world.” Drunk and fat on irony, Dick Cheney re-high-fives Halliburton.

13th: North Korean WMD talks officially resume. After several days of talks, Kim Jong-Il promises to dismantle its four nuclear weapons for economic aid, famine relief, diplomatic recognition, and five nuclear weapons. In the spirit of diplomacy, France surrenders. 19th: German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder’s Social Democratic Party loses to Angela Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union, marking the first time a woman has been elected Chancellor. Additionally, it marks the first time an East German woman has won a race with out the aid of steroids since the ‘60’s. - From the “I’m never paying taxes again” division, NASA outlines a $104 billion dollar plan to land on the Moon by 2018.

23rd: Hurricane Rita, the 47th intense hurricane of the 2005 season, breaks records by becoming the first hurricane in three years not to hit Florida.

October:

3rd: House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is indicted for the second time in a week on charges of conspiracy and money laundering. DeLay, coining a catch phrase that continues to live on, comments, “Oh Shit! I just got FEMAed!” 7th: The International Atomic Energy Agency and its leader, Mohamed El Baradei, receive the Nobel Peace Prize for continuing to prevent the spread of weaponized nuclear proliferation, while regulating nuclear energy. North Korea and Iran are unavailable for comment. 15th: Iraqis vote on and approve a new Constitution. The Constitution is based largely off the US Constitution, but displays several key changes - most notably, the removal of the Bill of Rights, the oil-for-freedom clause, and, of course, the Halliburton Amendment.

I Want You: To Eh, Let Me Go?

19th: The trial of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein begins with Hussein pleading not guilty to charges of murdering 143 people in the Iraqi town of Dujali. After unsuccessfully trying the insanity defense, and trying to get away on the claim that “my client didn’t kill people, my client just told people to kill people,” Hussein ultimately circumvents the system after its proven he’s only killed 142. 25th: The number of US soldiers killed in Iraq reaches the solemn milestone of 2,000. RIP and God Bless. 26th: The recently re-arming Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says, at a speech in front of students, that Israel should be wiped off the map. And now, once again, the World Theatre Players with “Bully and the Geeks, pt. 2” Bully: I AM GOING TO ELIMINATE YOU AND EVERYONE LIKE YOU OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH FOREVER!!!!! Band of Geeks: awwww, that’s awful mean. THE END

27th: Following the accidental shooting of two Arab boys by police, Parisian suburbs erupt into two weeks of rioting, looting, and vandalism. France, breaking its previous record by 3 weeks, surrenders for the first time in a month.

28th: Vice President Cheney’s chief of staff, Scooter Libby, is indicted by a grand jury of obstruction of justice, perjury, and making false statements regarding the Valerie Plame affair. He promptly resigns. When approached for comment, Beaker, the official spokesmuppet, just meeps, and storms off stage.

November!

1st: Bush asks Congress for $7.1 billion for research preparation against the “coming Asian Flu crisis.” As it turns out, TamiFlu is independently proven ineffective, the threat is proven ridiculously overblown, and no one in the US even catches Asian Sniffles. Ted Turner swims in increased ad revenues and a new health crisis is planned for Mid-January.

4th: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez leads a 25,000 strong anti-Bush protest in an Argentinean soccer stadium during a summit of Latin American leaders. A shocked and hurt Bush defends himself, saying, “I just don’t understand it. Some of my best friends are Latin Americans! I push very strongly for the rights of Latin Americans. I mean, I have Latin Americans sitting in my Cabinet! Heck, I even took Latin in High School and I am an American. I understand.”

8th: In the first election of the second second-Bush Administration, Democrats come up big, a sure sign of the nation’s dissatisfaction with the President. In what has to be one of the most interesting races in years, The Battle of the Two Billionaires for the title of Governor of New Jersey, Senator John Corzine beats out fellow unsettlingly rich opponent Douglas Forrester proving, once again, that money truly can buy a stinkhole.

9th: After several weeks of rioting leads to the death of an elderly man and mass destruction, France threatens to deport foreigners and “those not acting in the spirit of true Frenchmen.” When asked what that last clause meant, French President Jacques Chirac explains, “Well, this French police force is showing us the true spirit- caving in to even the slightest threat of power or fighting. So it refers, basically, to anyone who is rioting. So it works out nicely.”

11th: Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, a Harvard educated economist, beats out a soccer star in the race for President of Liberia, becoming the first female head-of-state in Africa. Bush credits his aid and attention to “helping advance this little country that could.”

14th: Bush’s approval rating finally slips lower than his IQ, bottoming out at 36%.

22nd: Microsoft releases the hot new system of the Christmas season, the Xbox 360. The 360 stands for, apparently, the amount of ways it will break down in its first week.

December!!

2nd: The US Military admits to hiring a public relations firm to pay Iraqi news outlets to run translated articles written by American soldiers. When asked about the constitutionality of buying the news, the public’s outrage is softened when Vice President Dick Cheney reminds us that there is no Bill of Rights in Iraq.

- The TSA announces it is ending its ban on scissors on airplanes, after a two year, $6 billion study finds that they were the only thing capable of opening one of those tiny damn bags of pretzels.

15th: The Bush Administration doubles the Levee Fund, increasing flood protection spending to $1.5 billion. That, along with new airplane safety regulations makes up the bulk of what the White House calls the “Hindsight Act.”

I'll take Mahmoud Rahin For 1000 Please, Alex

- Eleven million Iraqis vote in Parliamentary elections. The ballot consists of more than seven thousand candidates across three hundred parties for 275 seats. The early favorite is Mahmoud Rahin, a Shi’ite Coalition Party member, who, as a local legend, did amazingly in the Tikrit and East Baghdad regions. Coming in last? John Kerry, who was 10 votes behind Saddam Hussein’s beard.

16th: The Senate blocks an extension of the Patriot Act just days after the law is prolonged by a House vote. Opponents claim that, even though no one in the Senate has actually read the entire act, their special interest groups all tell them it was a no-no and it violated our very souls. Oh yeah, that and its for the best interest of their constituencies.

20th: A new hero is born when PA judge John Jones in what may be the court decision of the year, rules against a Dover, PA school that was trying to add intelligent design to the science curriculum. Jones calls ID theory fake science, and strictly a religious relabeling of creationism. He adds that the school board who brought it up suffers from “breathtaking inanity.” Kansas, when asked to comment, just puts its hands over its ears and hums loudly.

22nd: Mariah Carey makes it to the top of the Billboard singles charts for the 17th time, tying Elvis Presley for second most all-time, and closing in on the Beatles record of twenty. Way to go, America.

24th: During his annual Christmas Eve mass, the new Pope Eggs Benedict the Mmmth, speaking from a gold-lined marble balcony of a porcelain and gold domed building amidst countless jewel encrusted religious idols and priceless works of art, while wearing a giant gold cross and adorning a gold, diamond, and ruby scepter, denounces materialism.

31st: In what couldn’t be a more fitting or disturbing end to 2005, the record-setting 109th named storm of the Atlantic Hurricane season, Tropical Storm Zeta, becomes the latest storm ever to form in tropical history.